When creating this blog post, I wasn’t sure where to start but ultimately I’ve decided to start at the beginning.

Have you ever gotten a wild hair up your ass and said to yourself “Hey Sheri, how about you create some homemade gummy bears for the kids? That’s a great idea right? You’ll save money, save the environment and reduce the 12,929,291,294,582 chemicals that your kids are ingesting. YOU CAN DO THIS!”

Well let me tell you a few facts:

You can’t just get up and do this. You have to go shopping first. If you want to make gummy bears well you’re gonna need a gummy bear mold. And while your on your Prime binge, you’re gonna need like, oh you know, cute lego molds and omg are those little CATS? HOLY CRAP BIG GUMMY BEAR MOLDS that double as muffin cups!?
You are NOT going to save money but you’re going to do this dammit because you’re already committed. So go ahead Harris Teeter ~~fast~~ lazy lane and load me up with $42.87 cents worth of organic oranges, Venezuelan Moon grapes, gluten free gelatin and crap. Because UPS is going to be knocking on your door in 2 hours with your PRIME delivery.
After you carefully dice up 2 cups of strawberries and add them to the pot you’re going to have to get those suckers up to boiling before you blend them. That’s right class, you’re going to blend boiling hot fruit liquid. “Add one pack of Stevia.” (note this for later.)
Now that you’ve gotten your well blended lava fruit, CAREFULLY O’so carefully pour it into the tiny, tiny holes in your gummy bear mold. You will still burn yourself, at least twice.
Finally after chilling out in the fridge for a few hours you can gleefully pop them out of the mold and lovingly place them in your waiting children’s hands. Take a deep breath of satisfaction and then blow that right back out your nose as the kids say in unison “THESE ARE TOO SOUR MOMMY YUCK!”

So lady who posted on Pinterest, who said “EASY DELICIOUS GUMMY BEARS – YOUR FAMILY WILL LOVE THEM” You are a dirty liar! They are neither EASY nor DELICIOUS. One pack of Stevia! Lady! Jesus wept these things are so sour they made more than my lips pucker!

But now I have these molds and I have the materials, I will successfully make a delicious, easy gummy bear! My kids WILL eat the bears…yes they will…*twitch*

In other news, the giant gummy bear molds are as awesome as you would expect. We’re already off to a glorious start. The girls and their friend E really enjoyed the muffins I made with them! Hey… maybe I should just make reeeeaaaaaallly tiny muffins with the older mold…

And now I’ll end at the behind.

Let’s discuss toilets. Let’s discuss the most incredible invention made by man.

The bidet. I realize now that I have reached the absolute pinnacle of middle-age-dom when I’m excited about a toilet device. Let’s face it, toilet business can be a real poopy thing. Butt for a mere $24.76 you can transcend the peasantry of toilet paper and propel yourself to new heights. And I mean, literal heights. Nothing is quite as ah um “refreshing” as having your bottom cleansed by the purest glacial melt water. $24.76 does not include the heated water feature, but honestly, who wants an electrical cord running into a device that shoots water up on your ass. That’s not a risk I am willing to take. Besides, the cold water really works to wake you your “senses.”

Do your duty and pamper that booty.

Life will never be the same. You will ask yourself “why didn’t I buy this thing before.”

Installation was a breeze, I was able to do it. There aren’t any leaks and the collective families assholes have never been cleaner. My heart spilled with pride when my 4 year old asked my best friend and neighbor if she needed to poop so she could get a “butt wash.” She and her sister now make it their absolute mission to invite all our guests to get their butts clean.